TO MY MOTHER MS. FANNIE MARIE BRISCOE APRIL 29, 1920 TO MARCH 30, 2001 |
LIL' TALK WITH MY MOTHER BY W. R. I. "EASY" SMITH MARCH 26, 2004 had a little talk with my mother last night those around me all looked puzzled after all through their eyes she was no where in sight see i found this piece of paper where i had started to write it was dated back in 68 i had come home from war from a time when I didn't know my fate i wanted to tell her about some feelings of guilt that transformed into feelings of inner self hate these are things i needed to say to her the kind of things i'm told it's never too late i never meant to shut you out i know anything with you i could talk about so i guess this is as good a time as any this burden i carry is quite heavy these words for you are very many i still deal with issues concerning the war you never asked me about my tour but I sensed your pain i watched you endure unanswered questions I have for you about things that happened of which and why i hadn't a clue tell me mama why the family cried on the day my grandfather died you too had tears that seemed unending i saw them again when my brother's life ended why at times didn't i have tears in my eyes didn't understand these things that come with the dying and then we lost another this time it was a younger brother only this time i couldn't hide the tears i shed angry with the thoughts of how my brother bled and vengeance the only thing on my mind aor one who died before his time and when the time for my sister came not a clue did i have to the crying game on the day daddy left for a better place i had to be strong again i hid tears on this face and when they took you away from me it was hard to show the tears again you see but what's the difference with family and friends and men from the battlefields back then because when i look back at the lives of comrades who fell to their death just young lads i took it real hard and new feelings erupted i still had some problems with crying but the life that was had been interrupted but the tears were hidden dare not to be shown at least not while in a battle zone same thing happened with family at home suppose to be strong ahowing tears and my covers are blown and i questioned these new feelings with disbelief these new found feelings known as grief and when i lost the best buddy i had i sunk into a newness inside .... an awful pain that left me empty and sad i acted in rage and got very angry .... didn't know how to chill after all he spent a year in Nam without a scratch ending up the victim of another's joy-kill remember when they called me for action when dr. king was killed him and my best buddy all in one week i was on duty in another war zone this one in the town where we lived patrolling the streets in front of our home and as the years passed and the stuffing stuff too the watergate scandal in 72 each morning the paper boy shouted with cheer extra extra read all about it we got ourselves another political smear those days were sad and depressing for me i may have even laughed but was i happy there was this period of escalated self hate well it was during the years of the watergate and the local law had their say in how I was to act from day to day i had so much to say back then to you but where to start ... where was i to begin and like so many who made back to the u.s. the experiences were hard for us to discuss remember the day the draft letter arrived you got so silent your breathing barely alive you never expressed any verbal feelings about my leaving i know now it was the beginning of your personal grieving my friend and i got lost in the streets we knew where we were headed and not knowing if we'd ever make it back life seemed not worth living but i had decided to do my part and do my best to serve my country well never guessed the place i was going would be a living hell the trip was delayed for a week they put us up in a hotel and gave us all the booze we could drink and all the food we could eat but delays like that are not very good better to have sent us on and the delay seemed longer as we made short stops alaska, the phillipines for a minute or two and then it was on to our final destination the day we landed in vietnam under attack was tun sa nut and there was no return ticket ... no turning back the first job i had ... my intro to it i was assigned to a detail burning shit when a week had come and gone i was off the detail and on my way to my unit i got on a truck and we made the trip along highway one i was given some ammo and a gun as i looked out on the journey with all my eyes could see stranger in another country the stinch of death was before me you could hear the voice of battle taking place all around the truck finally stopped in cu chi i was assigned to my company nicknamed "the wolfhounds" a fearsome lot of the 27th infantry i quickly learned to put to work the training received took heed to the words i heard in basic and ait "it behooves you to pay attention, if you want to stay alive" because i heard them again the moment i arrived i didn't have much time to think of you and the family because if i got lost in those thoughts .. i was sure pick for the enemy but when i got the chance in between the silence of battle i'd jot down a few words ... most times it seemed as babble the nights were often longer when the bullets whizzed by my head and a fear i would soon be dead i tried to tell you many times about what happened to me in the rice paddies and jungles and stories of booby trapped mines and charlie the enemy i wanted so much for you to know what it was like for me away from home i'd wait for you to fall asleep .... seemed like a good excuse to maintain my silence to bury the words deep for not talking about it at all but i often felt you knew how difficult it was to tell and being the mother that you were you never put up a fuss i did some things that i forgot and i did some things i'd like to forget and when I did come back you and the family were my only welcome all the other welcomes received were so damn deceiving your love was what I needed at such a confusing time in my life here I am again for a moment back there with those men when I thought my time was up you were there with me as my eyes were closed and battle all around i saw a vision of you in the heavens as I lay on the ground flanked by my daughter and her mother and when they took me away from that last battle i held on to you looking at me because that was the day i felt as though I passed through the tunnel of light to my final destiny! but I was granted more time with you seems like yesterday when I saw you last you had this big smile on your face what a blast! i thank you for all you've done for me not just for me, but for family i'll always love you and now i at least have a clue! Happy Birthday! |
COPYRIGHT 2004 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED |
